How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
