I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
