I hate your face
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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