He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
