I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
