Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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