Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
