I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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