he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Randomize
