He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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