things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
