I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
