Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
