the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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