im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
