He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
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