It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I came so hard my ears popped.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
