did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
