Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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