im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
