I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
