so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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