Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
