I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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