By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize