There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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