bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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