you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
