The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
