life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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