oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I love having hate sex.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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