i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
