Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Randomize
