I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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