fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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