im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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