I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
