And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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