This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Duck Duck Cougar?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
