So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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