there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
