ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
