life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
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