Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
