Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
