why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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