just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
