can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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