mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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