1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
