Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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