I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
