Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
