i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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