I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
