I accidentally had phone sex last night
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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