We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
