You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I smell like Dick and happiness
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